New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
