Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
