Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
