Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
