i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
