My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
