Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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