i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
