oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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