I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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