My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
