We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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