While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
