i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
