Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
