I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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