haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i love accidental penises.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
