then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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