I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
