I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
