i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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