I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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