where am i from again
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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