Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
