she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
