I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
