tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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