i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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