god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
