I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
