I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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