this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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