wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Is it penis luge time yet?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
