my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
