By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
