im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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