sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
