I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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