No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
