My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
