I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
