on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
