i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
