Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
