So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
