its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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