So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
