ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
