Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
