1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
