y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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