We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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