My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
