omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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